It’s easy to look around at the goings on of our current situation world-wide and panic.  It’s also easy to say, “I’m not gonna drink the kool aid,” run to Circle K for a Thirstbuster and…..catch the plague.  Ok, so it’s not the plague but it’s being presented that way.  Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying.  This is obviously serious and dangerous.  People are dying from this mutated version of this flu-like virus.  What I am saying is the hysteria around this situation is unprecedented. 

At first I couldn’t understand why.  Stay home, wash your hands, social distance and we’ll all be ok.  No reason to panic.  We aren’t talking about scaling mountains to find an effective containment technique.  This is pretty basic stuff.  It isn’t the first time we have seen an unbelievably potent version of the flu.  Some quick research will tell you that, back in 2009, the Swine Flu infected upwards of 20% of the world’s population and, by some estimates, took nearly 600,000 lives across the world.  Those are big numbers.  So why is this worse?  Let’s set aside the science of what’s going on right now.  I know that’s hard to do, but I want to take a look at something outside the virus itself. 

My daughter is a sophomore in high school.  This social distancing thing doesn’t work for her.  She is used to constant contact with her friends and freedom to plan activities on the fly, capture them on her iPhone, and post them to the social media outlet of her choice.  Having to stay home and hang out with her parents and her little brother is being tolerated well considering how big a variation from her norm it is.  I imagine most parents of high school kids are facing similar situations, attitudes, eyerolls, whatever.  Inside we adults are all loving the extra time with these kiddos on the verge of adulthood.  These moments are precious to us because they are fleeting.  Maybe someday the teens will appreciate the memories as well, but I digress.

Did you know that the kids set to graduate high school this spring were mostly born in the year 2001?  Kids born between 2001 and 2005 make up the vast majority of our high school students.  Did you also know the iPod was first released in 2001, and the first iPhone was released in 2009, followed in 2010 by the first iPad?  MySpace came to be in 2003, Facebook was 2004, Youtube in 2005, and Twitter chirped its first characters in 2006.  Why am I telling you this?  To highlight that this generation of high school student has never lived in a world where a handheld device has not connected them to the world. 

They are bombarded moment by moment with information, misinformation, opinion, acceptance, rejection, and what their best life is supposed to look like, all in a clickbait environment competing for the 3-5 seconds of attention they devote to any one headline before moving on to the next.  Since the advent of the smartphone, primarily the iPhone, in 2009, there have been nine 7.0 or greater magnitude earthquakes on record, at least eight hurricanes making landfall and causing major damage, ten terror attacks in the U.S., and eight school shootings.  Add to that the chaos in the middle east, like the Arab Spring, the plane crashes, tornadoes, immigration debate, climate change claims, and perhaps the scariest thing of all, the politicians, and you can see how an increase in mental health issues like anxiety and depression are not surprising. 

Now I know what you’re thinking.  We all are bombarded in the same way, and other generations have faced incredible challenges too.  You’re right, of course!  Let’s look at how we react.  In 2009 there was no panic around the Swine Flu.  There was no hoarding.  There was no daily press conference or constant Twitter barage.  Many of us react to “News” because headlines were important when we were growing up.  The news was a source of information we trusted to help us navigate current events.  It sort of explains why people are buying out local stores of all kinds of products.  Fear is a powerful motivator when dispensed from a source that we grant authority in our life. 

But this will be the first generation that didn’t have to seek out news.  They are alerted to it moment by moment 24/7, and have been for the majority of their formative years.  I wonder what kind of long term impact this is going to have.  Will it desensitize them to real danger?  Will it leave them in a constant state of anxiety?  Will they remember this pandemic as the same kind of world altering event that occurred in September of 2001?  Or will they just see the news as chicken little and ignore all the falling bits of blue when it finally happens?  One thing is for sure, with the inundation of negative news coverage and the social media spin that accompanies each event, these kids are The Apocalypse Generation.

And how providential that this should come to pass at a time when womankind is facing the greatest threat to her very existence since the dawn of the political correctness era. I speak here of global warping. The threat of global warping is a topic on the tip of tongues everywhere, and has caused more divisiveness than anything short of the First Lady wearing spiked heels to a flood zone. Scientists agree almost universally about the causes and sobering consequences of global warping, which is inspiration enough to cause a tsunami of new scientific evidence and compelling argument to the contrary available for easy viewing on any good social media site. It is even more available on any bad social media site. The internet is the great equalizer. A man, gray at the temples, garbed in the high praise of his peers for his academic accomplishments and rigorous dedication to the scientific method in all his endeavors is now the equal of a beer for breakfast unemployed pool cleaner sitting at the kitchen table in his underwear.   Both opinions have equal weight in the brave new world of mental participation medals. This is heady stuff.

So consequently, it has never been so easy to assay the truth in the debate about global warping. Evidence abounds and opinions bound forth unchecked and unvetted. And since they exist in cyberspace, they automatically are true. Some, however, are more true than others. You all know which ones those are. But here are some truths that should be considered. First, global warping is real and it is here to stay. Secondly, it is caused by man. Woman, of course, remains blameless if you know what’s good for you. Thirdly, time (or space-time) is running out. Or at least curving back on itself.

But what exactly is global warping anyway, and why should we care? Well, we should care because THEY tell us we should. As to what it is, that will take a little explaining. You will find as little explaining here as anywhere, so why not make this your preferred source. Scientists, prom queens, gun runners and missionaries all agree that global warping involves the warping of the fabric of time-space. This is caused by the increase of the average ambient temperature of the planet, and by extension, the universe. Everyone knows that if you leave any of your most cherished possessions, like a car dashboard or an old Eddie Rabbitt LP, out in the sun for any length of time unprotected, warping will occur. In the case of the car dashboard this is sad. But actually quantifying the warping of the fabric of space-time is more difficult and thus subject to logical protraction. But protraction requires a place to start.

Let’s start with the Arctic ice pack, everyone else does. It is an undisputable fact that it is shrinking. You leave your best cotton dress hanging on the line in the sun too long and the same thing happens. No mystery there. So the obvious implication here is that the sun must be getting hotter since the ice pack wasn’t shrinking before. So what is making the sun hotter? That is easy. Due to the alarming use of solar cells extracting energy from sunlight, the sun has to work harder and harder just to keep up. As anyone can tell you, if you exert yourself, say by exercising or engaging in similar distasteful endeavors, you tend to heat up noticeably. The sun is only human so the same thing happens to her. Some have proposed that there is warming of the atmosphere due to all the heat being exhausted into the air by air conditioners from homes and cars and RVs, but I don’t believe that. I think it is the solar cell thing. Because of this the ice packs shrink, exposing more grass, which dies and gives off some gas or other which melts the ozone layer and makes the oceans flood and we lose a large portion of the voting block in Los Angeles. So of course the Democrats are against global warping. So of course the Republicans are FOR global warping.

But say you are a Democrat and you want to stop global warping, how would you go about it. As we have seen, the root of the problem is solar energy. But how do we get rid of it? What can we replace it with? Well, there is wind power. So let’s look at that. It is a clean source of energy and provides a handy way of controlling the bird population, so it seems like a win-win. But there are problems. A windmill is a way of trapping wind, like the sail of a ship. But like a ship, the windmill will try to move away from the wind. The only way it can do that is to move the Earth, causing it to spin faster. Over time the Earth will spin faster and faster until it is going so fast that gravity can no longer hold things to the Earth, and lawn furniture, light sleepers and small children will commence to fly about creating hazardous conditions for air travel. This is not optimal. Clearly other options must be considered.

There are always fossil fuels, but Democrats hate those and for good reason. Burning them is very harmful to fossils, some of which are already extinct. Besides, there are only enough of those to last a few years or a few hundred years or something like that. And they live in countries that don’t care for us so they sell us the fossil fuels and snicker about it. That is hurtful. And coal isn’t clean I don’t care what anybody says. And if we use that all up we will be endangering our most valuable tradition. Christmas. Corn seems promising, but using that all up would be very sobering for the poor mountain folks of West Virginia and Kaintuck. They have drones now that can detect if these poor wretches are trying to grow their own and wasting all that rocky hillside land that is more suitable for growing pot. They may not represent a lot of electoral college votes, but they are people too, in their own way. And it will be a sad day indeed when the moon shines no more in Appalachia.

So that leaves gas, natural or cattle induced. Following cows around would take more energy than you are likely to collect, and digging around in the ground for gas is just plain uncivilized.

So there we are. Opinion rich and solution starved. But I am a globe half warped kind of guy. I am not giving up. I know the truth is out there. On the internet. Somewhere. It is only a matter or knowing what voices to listen to. The old school, antiquated mumblings of academic elitists, stuck in the rigor of the past, or the new enlightened clarion voice of reason and poster of selfies that is our beloved social media.   The choice should be clear. It is the new order of things. It is now. It is available to all and free for all. And of the locus of tender ironies, there is perhaps none so sweet as the fact that of this rich blend of intertwined voices crying out bravely that the old king of scientific reason isn’t wearing any clothes, many of those voices are raised by individuals who are not wearing any pants.